Received this week, the following missive from a regular visitor who prefers to remain anonymous. You'll see why ...

Dear Captain,
It's good to see that you continue to make an articulate stand against the injustices and absurdities of modern life. I have young children, and find it incredibly difficult to explain how we come to find ourselves in such a state.

Yesterday, (anticipating the rugby international next week) my son asked me for the words of the Scottish National Anthem. I could only say that it was about beating the English in battle, many centuries ago. Not unreasonably, he asked me why we didn't sing about beating the Scots. I told him, of course, that this would be racist. Clearly I've failed in my duty as a modern, multi-cultural parent as he couldn't see the justice in this. I explained that almost anything the English sung about would be considered racist, except (perhaps) an abject apology for our entire history as a nation. This seemed like a good idea, so we decided to have a go at it, with the following result.

Please feel free to reproduce it if you wish. I shall be happy if, in some small way, I can contribute to our ritual self-flagellation as an unworthy race ...

A New English National Anthem

We’re English, and therefore we’re sorry,
For the things that we did years ago;
We’re the wickedest folk on the planet,
As the following verses will show.

We’re sorry we fought at Culloden,
To the Scottish we’ve always been mean;
We killed your King Jamie at Flodden,
And we cut off the head of your Queen.

We’re sorry, good people of Wales,
For all of those ‘sheep-shagger’ gags;
And we’re sorry if ever we called you
A nation of whinging wind-bags.

We’re sorry if you were a convict
Who we sent off to sunnier climes;
We condemned you to life as an Aussie,
When you’d rather have swung for your crimes.

We’re sorry we carved out an Empire,
And we’re sorry for giving it back
To people like Robert Mugabe
Who’s no better than Stalin ... but black.

We’re sorry we dealt in the slave trade,
And we’re sorry for stamping it out.
We’re sorry we fought with the Zulus;
- there’s so much we’re sorry about.

We’re sorry, dear French, for the longbow;
And ‘twas perfectly fair to cry ‘foul’
That we wouldn’t surrender to Hitler
When you eagerly threw in the towel.

We’re sorry for Queen Boadicea
Who just didn’t know when to stop;
We’re sorry we fought Mussolini,
And we’re sorry we called him a wop.

We’re sorry for beating the Germans
In two World Wars and a World Cup;
Most of all, we’re incredibly sorry
That we cannot stop bringing it up!

Not our fault? Even so, we’re still sorry;
We’re sorry John Lennon was shot;
And we’re sorry for saying we’re sorry
When it’s perfectly plain that ... we’re not.

Count your blessings, my friends: at least we're not kermits or krauts - a sorry bunch if ever there was one. Phew! I feel sorry for them but can't think of one single thing to say sorry to them for.

Sod that. Just as I can't take credit for anything that my ancestors did, I'll be damned if I'm going to apologise for anything they did. The past is dead and buried; lets leave it there

England. A former French colony which turned bad...

Georges Clemenceau.

limeys ...

malbarre wrote:

England. A former French colony which turned bad...

Georges Clemenceau.

Well, for a kermit, he at least had a go at trying to acquire a sense of humour. Got to give him that, unusual among the kermits to say the least. Not all that good though, Malbarre, it has to be said. Sorry. Toutube Tommy Cooper and you might get what I mean.

iciparis wrote:

malbarre wrote:

England. A former French colony which turned bad...

Georges Clemenceau.

Well, for a kermit, he at least had a go at trying to acquire a sense of humour. Got to give him that, unusual among the kermits to say the least. Not all that good though, Malbarre, it has to be said. Sorry. Toutube Tommy Cooper and you might get what I mean.

In fact you know nothing. You don't even know you lost the One Hundred Years War! You think Agincourt was the last battle. It was just one of your last battle won before you lost the war! Sorry. This is just French humour. That doesn't make you laugh, isn't it?

Lord, grant that Marshal Wade,
May by thy mighty aid,
Victory bring.
May he sedition hush,
and like a torrent rush,
Rebellious Scots to crush,
God save the King.

this is a dropped verse from the anthem from the mid 18c so original author could have just mentioned this

(its likely i'll get a comment on my ancestory so mum Scot, dad Eng/Welsh)

Nappybonesapart wrote:

my ancestory so mum Scot, dad Eng/Welsh.

1- we know you're a mongrel. Why the need to give us song and dance about it?

2- 'ancestory'. Must be the 'ancestoral' way to write the word.

Lexysdia is OK, but you're bringing it to Profet's like heights

--

Hilarious! I am a quarter English. Family were miners from Bishop Auckland in Durham. How come there's nothing about Ireland in that new anthem?

PistolPierre wrote:

Hilarious! I am a quarter English. Family were miners from Bishop Auckland in Durham. How come there's nothing about Ireland in that new anthem?

True it's not in the Anthem, and maybe it should be, after all the English should be sorry for everything, though I did mention my Northern Irish countrymen in my intro. So maybe there's scope.

So, what could we add?

"We're sorry you're so awfully thick,
and we're sorry we tried to tell you that potatoes alone wouldn't do the trick.
We're sorry we led you into the euroscam,
and we're sorry now you've got your euroslam,
but we're not sorry you lost your Punt,
that's down to you, you daft Irish cunt"

Any other suggestions most welcome.

I like that you mentioned the potato famine. However you need something about Ireland's most hated Englishman...Oliver Cromwell.

An Englishman is an Englishman.

korbach wrote:


One will never be able to thank God enough for putting our fellow Englishmen into quarantine in their Island . We feel sorry for
those pour Scots and Welsh b.t.w. I wonder what horrible deed they
have been guilty for, to deserve such an horrible fate.

I would suggest that if you walked into a pub in GB and said "Greetings, fellow Englishmen" in your undoubtedly excrutiating french acent, at best you'd get short thrift and worst might leave without a good part of your no doubt giant french hooter. Peace offerings of garlic cloves won't get you very far either. In any case, you probably wouldn't even get in; many pubs are now fitting "smelly bastard detectors" that pick up french body odour and bad breath and set off an alarm that also applies a severe electric shock to the stinky and unwelcome intruder. They probably work on spics and wops too, which can only be a good thing.
The upside is that once you've been toasted, the barman says "Ever so sorry, but had to do it, Health and Safety rules and all that"

"smelly bastard detectors" that pick up french body odour and bad breath and set off an alarm that also applies a severe electric shock to the stinky and unwelcome intruder.

Needless to think about such a complex system, iciParis. Just ask
people to smile before a video camera, and deny access to those who are lacking gaps between their teeth --if any left.

PistolPierre wrote:

I like that you mentioned the potato famine. However you need something about Ireland's most hated Englishman...Oliver Cromwell.

You'd need to ask Nappy about that, he's way ahead of me in the ins and outs of that period. But no doubt Cromwell is proably feeling teribly sorry as well. Guess a word of apology is due to all these nice IRA bombers and killers the nasty British Army took out too. The list goes on...

Olly Crom was terribly good
he taught us to worship God as we should
he fought in ireland
cos Paddys head is full of sand
God didnt save Chas 1

the real new english anthem

korbach wrote:

"smelly bastard detectors" that pick up french body odour and bad breath and set off an alarm that also applies a severe electric shock to the stinky and unwelcome intruder.

Needless to think about such a complex system, iciParis. Just ask
people to smile before a video camera, and deny access to those who are lacking gaps between their teeth --if any left.

I'm British, and I approved this message.

iciparis wrote:

We’re sorry, dear French, for the longbow;
And ‘twas perfectly fair to cry ‘foul’

You're very welcome, buddies. Those gallant charges of our knights against a rain of arrows (shot from a safe distance) definitely lacked efficiency.

The French finally learnt something from their finger-shortened adversaries : forget the chivalrous spirit, pragmatism is quite more gainful. At the end of the day, my forebears were pounding the living shit out of the Limey pest with big guns. Worked pretty damn well.

At the end of the day, my forebears were pounding the living shit out of the frog pestilence with big guns. Worked pretty damn well.
at Trafalgar we deployed around 30 ships av 74= over 2000+ cannon

cf borodino as a big land battle of the time both sides, not Brit =1200

Yorktown wrote:

iciparis wrote:

We’re sorry, dear French, for the longbow;
And ‘twas perfectly fair to cry ‘foul’

You're very welcome, buddies. Those gallant charges of our knights against a rain of arrows (shot from a safe distance) definitely lacked efficiency.

The French finally learnt something from their finger-shortened adversaries : forget the chivalrous spirit, pragmatism is quite more gainful. At the end of the day, my forebears were pounding the living shit out of the Limey pest with big guns. Worked pretty damn well.

I'm sorry to have to point out that you missed out commenting on the last two lines of the verse:

That we wouldn’t surrender to Hitler
When you eagerly threw in the towel.

Sorry for asking, but what's your take on those?

iciparis wrote:

That we wouldn’t surrender to Hitler
When you eagerly threw in the towel.

Sorry for asking, but what's your take on those?

Even with the benefit of hindsight, it's not that obvious to grasp
why in june 1940 the B.E.F. landed in the British Isles to storm the German.